Kava and Bereavement

[AZcat]

Its only now that I fell capable of writing this post, my partner who I was close friends with for 18 years and married to for 5 years died January 5th this year. It was something I was expecting to happen sometime, because she was 90, and not in a good state of health even when we first met, but its one of those things I just hoped would never happen. I was totally destroyed. I felt like I had no more reason to live, I even had difficulty driving my car because of tears in my eyes.

This has gone on for a long time, and because of Covid and social distancing, I have had to handle it entirely on my own.
I got some pills from the doctor to calm me down, but they didn't help, then I had some Kava ( after not using it for a long time ) and I found one session helped me control my emotions for about 1 week.

After that I would break down again and cry deeply, until I had more Kava. So far the longest interval I can manage between Kava sessions is 10 days, after that I lose control again. The best stuff i'm using at present is some Fijian Waka from my local health store, and I extract it with a 75 micron strainer bag. At this time, its literally a life saver.

 

[kasa_balavu]

Bula vinaka @AZcat,
I can't even imagine how I'd feel in your position, and to have to go through it alone because the world has gone to shit.
I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[Groggy]

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[Alia]

@AZcat -- It is good that Kava is helping you cope. The many forms of death and dying are events that we all will share more and more as we get older.
Besides kava, I have found writing about the person...like a story of their life can help place the sadness into a box which you can close and re-open
at will. I write that because there really is no closure. If you have faith and/or follow a religion then John Donne's "Death Be Not Proud"- Sonnett 10
is a very nice read. And finally-- so sorry for your loss.

 

[AZcat]

@AZcat -- It is good that Kava is helping you cope. The many forms of death and dying are events that we all will share more and more as we get older.
Besides kava, I have found writing about the person...like a story of their life can help place the sadness into a box which you can close and re-open
at will. I write that because there really is no closure. If you have faith and/or follow a religion then John Donne's "Death Be Not Proud"- Sonnett 10
is a very nice read. And finally-- so sorry for your loss.

Dear Alia, thank you for your message, yes the box thing, what I did was make an online memorial and paid for it to be permanent, and I can pop in there if I need to but since I am surrounded by my partners possessions, I am "always in the box" really. I have moved things around a bit in the house so its not so much like a mausoleum, and got rid of some of her stuff, but there is still tons more that I don't know what to do with. I am always going to keep some of her stuff, but its hard to get rid of things that you know meant so much to someone.

 

[AZcat]

Bula vinaka @AZcat,
I can't even imagine how I'd feel in your position, and to have to go through it alone because the world has gone to shit.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Thanks, I have reconnected with some old friends since, and that has been helpful but since they are busy with their own lives they have limited time for me, as one would expect, so I still have to manage on my own. I'm probably handling it better than most people, since I have spent most of my life alone but the intensity of it at the beginning without anything to help was intolerable. If I hadn't discovered Kava was the solution I would probably have committed suicide.